


Legend Loses His Mind

by Acuberon_1285



Series: Game time [2]
Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acuberon_1285/pseuds/Acuberon_1285
Summary: What's supposed to be a fun game, turns out to be quite the opposite...
Relationships: Legend & Warriors (Linked Universe)
Series: Game time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886602
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Legend Loses His Mind

‘'I just got to the third checkpoint.’' 

‘'Yup’' 

‘'I’m feeling very proud of myself.’' 

‘'I saw it.’' 

Legend watched the screen with concentration, trying not to mess it up. ‘'Um... I’m doing the best I can, now we’re in Rock World, I guess?’' He turned his head to the side. ‘'With uh Satan Door?’' 

‘'Dude,’' Warriors began, then his eyes widened, before Battle Kid was a giant purple flower. ‘'Woah! Bosses! I completely forgot games could ha-’' 

Legend immediately died from the green needle. ‘'WOAH Uhm... Okay,’’ he spawned back at the checkpoint. He made his way back to the boss and prepared to beat him this time, but failed again. ‘'God dang, DANG dude!’' He said. ‘'Holy CRUD, dude! Oh My God!’' And he lost. ‘'Oh FUCK!’' 

‘'Oh, My Lord,’' Warriors said with beginning laughter. He could already tell where this would lead... 

‘'JEEZUM!’' Legend said in irritation and astonishment, going back to the plant for the third time within a minute. ‘'This is fucking ridiculous, dude!’' 

Warriors tried to help him. ‘'Try- try going left. Try going left instead of to the boss.’' 

‘'Oh, sure, that’s what you want me to do.’' 

‘'It is.’' 

Legend was silent for a second. ‘'Well, that would explain it.’' He went left and he stumbled upon a door that cannot be opened yet. Legend pointed at the screen. ‘'SEE? I-I get ‘I’ from the boss.’' 

‘'Did you like it?’' 

Legend faced the plant again. ‘'I have to kill the boss...’' He laughed with slight despair. 

‘'Didja- didja have a good time?’' Warriors asked. 

‘'I literally have to do this-’' Legend said in a high-pitched voice. ‘'AAH!’' He screamed. 

Warriors giggled. 

Legend tried again, and failed, anger rising in him. ‘'AH, AH, AAAAH, HOO-FUCK'' He cursed through clenched teeth. He made his way back again to the boss. ‘'OOH, George!’' 

Warriors laughed, seeing the tension in Legend’s hands. 

Legend faced the plant _again_. ‘'You do not know the passion that I have for the-’' he broke off. ‘'Why does it have to have a fucking cutscene right before-’' and he lost again. ‘'You know you’re-’' He inhaled sharply. ‘'OH. OH, Jiminy Jillikers,’' 

Warriors laughed while Legend exhaled in pain. 

‘'Rasputin iiis ready,’' Legend murmured. ‘'I don’t know what I’m doing.’' He spawned at the checkpoint. ‘'I have a hard time keeping my cool in situations of stress.’' 

Warriors felt a tiny bit a sympathy. ‘'I mean, there’s nothing you can do.’' 

Legend took a good hold of the controller. ‘'Alright, this time I got it. Got it locked and loaded!’' He jumped up and down on the platform. ‘'Huh huh! Huh HUH! Okay- Ok-’' and he lost. ‘'Oh, FUCK! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN! DAMN IT, STAN!’' 

‘'I’m trying so hard not to say anything ‘cause I want- like-’' Warriors paused. ‘'You to have your moment. Think shit through.’' Legend was breathing heavenly. He turned to Warriors. ‘'How many hits does he take, I need to know, I need to- I need to-’' 

Warriors grabbed his phone. ‘'D’ya want me to look it up?’' Legend shook his head. ‘'No, no, n-na n-na no,’' he mumbled, focused on the game. ‘'It’s part of the- It's part of the- It's part of the challenge.’' 

Warriors put his phone away. ‘'It’s part of the FUN! It’s part of the FUN, everybody’s having FUN!’' 

‘'AH, AAH, AAAH! Not the needle in the back!’' Legend had the urge to smack down the controller. ‘'That’s the worst way to go!’' 

Warriors leaned back, an idea forming in his mind. ‘'I think... you should try to shoot... umm...’' he began. ‘'Like, changing sides on the platform each time.’' Legend looked down. ‘'I’m trying... War... l-listen man...’' Warriors was disappointed. ‘'I- do you not want helpful tips?’' 

‘'You gotta- you gotta pay attention to every little thing, dude. Every little thing is coming at you. It’s coming at you like Cleopatru.’' Legend saw the green needle coming and tried to dodge it but he was too late. ‘'Oh- fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh my GO-O-O-D!’' He leaned back and let out an inarticulate scream. Warriors laughed. 

Legend sat back up. Breathing with despair. Warriors stared at the screen. ‘'Wow.’' Legend had calmed down slightly. ‘'Ohhhh... Purple plant,’' he whined. ‘'Why were you growing in a rock world...?’' and within a second, he was back at the checkpoint. ‘'I didn’t even try,’' he said earnestly. Warriors started laughing, joined by a broken Legend. He started mumbling unintelligible things. Warriors could only catch the last bit of a sentence: ‘'Something that happened to me.’' 

Legend took a deep breath. ‘'Alright. Alright,’' he said. ‘'This. Battle. Is. For. Real.’' 

‘'Yup.’' 

‘'I have a good feeling about this one, I’m bringing it downtown, y’know, right, I’m- I’m playing music on the street, I’m getting a noise complaint, but you know what? I don’t even care! Because this is my ART. And no- FUCK!’' He screamed as he died again.... 

Warriors clapped his hands, laughing hard. ‘'I’m just like- watching slack-jawed in awe, of you like- improvising a crazy monologue while you do THIS shit,’’ he said, then straightening up. ‘'It seemed like it was helping, actually.’' Legend laughed. ‘'Oh, okay! Uh.’' 

‘'ONE DAY I was walking down the street, I met a guy named Carl. Carl was nice because he gave me some ICE CREAM, and- AAUGH, DAMN IT!’' Warriors was still laughing. Legend looked at him. ‘'I got- I stuttered on the fucking story and then I messed up!’' 

‘'Okay, alright- here we go, here we go.’' 

‘'Okay, here’s the one!’' 

‘'MARK MISTAKENLY ORDERED ME NINE PIZZA’S. I WASN’T SURE IF I SHOULD KEEP THEM OR NOT, BECAUSE I REALLY ENJOY PIZZA. BUT WHEN I OPENED THEM UP, IT WAS PINEAPPLE AND HAM, AND I DON’T LIKE HAM AND I’M ALLERGIC TO- FUUUUUCK!!!!!’' Legend slumped down. ‘'Damn i-i- it...’' Then he grabbed Warriors’ shirt. ‘'You SAW how close I got, though!’' 

Warriors nodded. ‘'It was so good.’' Legend let go of the shirt, tears of hope in his eyes. ‘'It changed colors!’' 

‘'Keep talking about pizza.’' 

Legend exhaled painfully. 

‘'Oh my God. Nintendo would’ve _never_ allowed this game to exist.’' 

‘'ROCKET THE HEDGEHOG WAS LONELY YOUNG HEDGEHOG IN THE SONIC THE HED- DAMN IT!’' Legend sighed. ‘'Fuck... I can’t talk about Sonic fanfiction, that’s too much.’' 

‘'Alright, were you going to cross Rocket Raccoon with Sonic?’' 

Legend shrugged. ‘'Maybe.’' 

‘'Cool.’' 

‘'Here we go.’' 

‘'Okay.’' 

Legend hesitated. ‘'Umm... Uhh... I KNEW A GUY NAMED JESUS. I ASKED HIM: ‘HEY, ISN’T YOUR NAME PRONOUNCED ‘HEY-SUESS?’ AND HE SAID: ‘NO, MY MOM IS VERY RELIGIOUS.’ AND I SAID: ‘WOULDN’T THAT HAVE PREVENTED YOU FROM HAVING THE NAME JESUS? AND HE SAID- FUCK!!!’' Legend almost crushed the controller in anger. Warriors laughed hysterically. Legend sighed in frustration. 

‘'RADICAL REPUBLICANS REALLY WRECK MY RECTAL....R- AAAAAUGH!’' 

Warriors put a hand on Legend’s shoulder. ‘'Don’t go for alliteration.’' Legend pushed the hand off. ‘'I’m so-orry.’' Warriors sighed in sympathy. ‘'That’ll make it way too hard for you.’' Legend nodded. ‘'Okay, okay.’' 

‘'You need the not-thinky stories.’' 

‘'I need the not-thinky stories.’' 

‘'-Verbal barfing-.’' 

Legend put a hand on his heart. ‘'Something that comes from the heart.’' 

‘'PURPLE PLANTS MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN I WALK TOWARDS THEM. They say: ‘HEY, LEGEND. HOW’S IT GOING?’ And I say: ‘IT’S GOING OKAY!’ But it’s not going okay, I JUST DON’T WANT TO SHARE MY EMOTIONS WITH THE PURPLE PLANT! ‘CAUSE FUCK! I DON’T KNOW HIM! HE’S NOT- DAMN IT! GOD FUCK!’' 

Warriors made seal-like laughing noises. Legend felt the back of his head, and pulled his hand back when he touched a big bruise in the making. Caused by the bump of his head on the wall. ‘'I think I injured myself.’' Warriors turned to him. ‘'I think you’re going to DO it!’' Legend exhaled painfully, sweat on his forehead. ‘'I-I mean injure yourself, not succeed.’' Warriors pointed at the screen. ‘'Check out Battle Kid’s face when the door closes. He's just like: ‘Oh, Fuck...’’' he said, trying to make Legend feel better again. They both laugh at his comment, Warriors feeling a tiny flash of victory. 

‘'JERRY WRESTLED BEARS FOR A LIVING, BUT HE WASN’T HAPPY WITH IT, SO INSTEAD, HE CHANGED HIS PROFESSION TO GOLFING. HE WASN’T HAPPY WITH THAT, EITHER. HE’D JUST REALISED HE WAS AN UNHAPPY DUDE IN GENERAL, SO HE SAW A PSYCHIATRIST, AND THE PSYCHIATRIST- FUCKING GOD DAMN IT!’' 

‘'This is as hard as fighting an actual twenty-foot plant monster.’' Warriors commented. He looked a bit closer at the plant. ‘'or, that’s more like a sixty-foot plant monster.’' 

‘'Jennifer dumped me.’' 

Warriors was silent for a second before breaking out laughing. ‘'That was your shortest, saddest story yet!’' They both laughed. ‘'Three words is all it takes to get the tears flowing, I’ll tell you that,’' Legend said. 

‘'RECKLESSLY I TOUCHED A CAR THAT DIDN’T BELONG TO ME. IT WAS A VERY NICE CAR, A 1978 BUGATTI. THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL CAR MODEL! I MADE IT UP. AND I- D-AAAUUUUUUGH!’' 

Legend put his head in his hands. ‘'Nothing will make me feel better, even the victory will be bittersweet.’' Warriors shook his head. ‘'That victory is not coming, bro.’' 

‘'Register now at your local supermarket,’' Legend started, defeated. ‘'For the rewards card. It will save you 10% on- FUCKING GOD DAMN BULLSHIT FUCK!’' 

Warriors fell from the couch, gasping for air. ‘'I can’t breathe,’' he said between laughing. ‘'Oh, God in heaven.’' Legend sighed. ‘’My Mom’s a nice lady but sometimes, you know-’' He lost and groaned in frustration. He whipped his head to Warriors, who was still laying on the ground. ‘'You’ll NEVER know the end of that story! I’m MOVING on!’' He yelled, facing the TV again. 

Warriors sat up. ‘'Your improv skills are through the roof right now.’' 

‘'I WAS CAUGHT MURDERING SOME MAN NAMED STEVE. I talked to the police and I REFUTED that I had anything to do with the murder. The police said: ‘Wait, wait! Then why are you standing ABOVE THE DEAD BODY?!’ GOD-’' Legend made a throwing motion with the hand he was holding the controller, but he calmed himself. ‘'I think you got, like, three more chances.... Holy shit.’' Warriors mumbled. 

‘'My Dad really likes that I’m doing music right now. But he’s KIND OF DISAPPOINTED THAT I’M NOT GOOD AT IT, BECAUSE HE’S SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE WRITING MUSIC, AND I’VE ONLY SPENT A COUPLE- FUCK!’' Legend stood up and walked back and forth, trying to walk the anger out. ‘'I- I... AM... **NOT** OKAY.’' he yelled before sitting down again. Warriors was laughing hard, tears forming in his eyes. 

‘'Something’s gotta give, dude.’' Legend began, but Warriors silenced him. ‘'Wait, wait. Okay, okay. For this one- TOTAL silence. TOTAL silence. Go.’' He leaned back and watched Legend play the game. 

‘'No! No! I didn’t even DO that well that time!’' Legend said, as he lost again. ‘'It IS the improv skills!’' Warriors giggled. ‘'Last try, last try.’' 

‘'It’s a magical fucking golden monkey, dude!’' 

‘'This is it. This is it, for everything.’' Warriors gave Legend a pat on the back. ‘'Good luck.’' 

‘'As a child I always wanted to be on ‘Who’s Got-’’' and he lost again. He stared at the controller, tears of anger burning in his eyes. Warriors, however, was leaning against him, laughing hysterically. Legend pushed him off. ‘'Alright. Fine.’' Warriors pulled himself together. ‘'Alright, keep going-’' he said. 

‘'That’s the end of that story-’' Legend chuckled. Warriors nodded. ‘'Fine, fine. ‘Who’s Got-’ Not even, not even a show.’' 

‘'’Legends of the Hidden Temples’ was one of my favorite shows of all time, I always wanted to be on it. Kind of a- Continuation of the last story. HOWEVER, I have to say, I’m very close,’' Legend said calmly before losing again. Now he broke with anger: ‘'TO BEATING THE GOD DAMN PLANT MONSTER, BUT HE’S NOT DYING, and we’re NOT stopping! This is HAPPENING!’' Warriors put his hands up in defense. ‘'Okay.’' 

Legend sat back, trembling with anger. ‘'I’m SO... CLOSE. I’m like a GOD... DAMN... GIGOLO... READY TO BURST... AND SHE’S SAYING ‘NO, THREE MORE MINUTES, AT LEAST!’’' 

It was going pretty good before Legend got hit by a green needle. ‘'Ah, shit! Ah, NO! NO! THE GREEN NEEDLES WILL NOT be the death of me!’' he yelled. ‘'I will continue onward!’' Warriors shook his head. ‘'They’ve been nothing BUT the death of you! They’ve been exclusively been the death of you.’' Legend turned to him. ‘'That’s not true, the bottom green needle has gotten me sometimes.’' He fought the boss again. ‘'Why is there a plant here? What is he doing? What’s his purpose? Why’d he have to open up when I showed up here? He could have just been hanging out, and I could’ve shot him in the fucking bud! It would’ve been fun! NIP IT IN THE BUD, THEY SAY! That’s the term! I’m getting close. WHY DO I HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT, IT ALWAYS MAKES ME WORSE! AAH, AAH, FUCK! I was SO GODDAMN CLOSE.’' 

Warriors shrugged. ‘'Possibly.’' Legend turned to him; his head almost as red as his shirt from anger. ‘'Did you SEE that,’' he hissed. 

Warriors nodded. ‘'There’s also the possibility that it goes through like twelve more iterations of purple.’' Legend rolled his eyes, facing the boss. ‘'OH SURE. That’s what they want you to think.’' 

‘'Oh, my God. It’s what- I think so.’' 

‘'Huuuh... Huuuh...’' Legend sighed resigned. 

‘'Gerrymandering politicians always get their way unless you veto their vote, in a vo-TING BOOTH,’' He started to yell, ‘'YOU HAVE THE POWER AS A CITIZEN OF HYRULE. REGISTER TO VOTE AT YOUR LOCAL DMV SO THAT YOU CAN CONTROL THE FATE OF YOUR COUNTRY AT LEAST SOMEWHAT, I MEAN, THERE’S THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND ANYTHING, BUT I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HOW POLITICS WORK- GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!’' Legend threw the controller at the wall. ‘'I’M DONE! I’M FUCKING DONE! THIS IS BULL... SHIT! RED PLANT! PURPLE PLANT! BLUE PLANT! This is not...’' Legend sat down again. Warriors laughed at Legend’s outbreak. 

The door opened and Hyrule stepped in, a concerning look on his face. ‘'You alright?’' He asked. Warriors looked up. ‘'Oh, hey, ‘Rule!’' Hyrule sat next to Legend. ‘'You okay?’' 

‘'Oh, you’ve missed some shit man.’' 

‘'I was watching through the window!’' 

‘'Oh, you have-’' 

‘'It was terrible!’' 

‘'It’s amazing.’' 

‘'Holy shit!’' 

‘'It’s been amazing.’' 

Hyrule patted Legend’s back. ‘'Keep it up, buddy, you can do it.’' Warriors shook his head. ‘'He can’t do it.’' Hyrule ignored him. ‘'You can do it, buddy’' and he left the room. 

‘'No one can do it.’' 

‘'Oh my God... Hyrule believes in me!’' Legend breathed; eyes full of hope. Warriors put a hand on his shoulder. ‘'‘Rule believes in you.’' 

Legend looked at the TV. ‘'I’ve got one more shot, with Hyrule’s magic touch...’' he whispered. ‘'This is the Hyrule-shot. This is the one.’' 

Legend closed his eyes. ‘'Hyrule.’' and he pressed A. He opened his eyes, expecting to see the checkpoint, but it was the main menu. Something snapped inside him. 

‘'NO! I HIT END! I HIT END! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! FUUUUCK!’' He stood up and kicked the wall with rage. ‘'FUCK EVERYTHING! Fuck you! SIVAK GAMES! Go suck my Goddamn’s Dad’s chode, you piece of hairy garbage! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!’' He sat down. Warriors leaned back in the couch. ‘'Oh, that is such legit rage.’' 

Hyrule entered the room again. ‘'Didn’t go well?’' he asked. 

Warriors lost it, he fell of the couch, laughing hard, tears streaming down his face. 

‘'Why’d you lose it?’' Hyrule asked Legend in confusion. Legend looked up at him, a small smile on his face. ‘'I accidentally hit end instead of continue-’' Hyrule’s eyes grew wide. ‘'No! Are you serious?’' 

‘'Right after you said you believed in him, he was like, ‘Alright, I’ll give it one more shot because Hyrule believes in me.’ And then he hit end!’' Warriors said from the ground. Hyrule laughed. ‘'I fucked it up!’' 

‘'Oh God, ‘Rule! That’s what your believe does.’' 

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was based on the video from GameGrumps: Battle Kid Fortress of Peril: Finale.


End file.
